William Thirsk-Gaskill prose fiction critique bingo

Lose all the semi-colons.	Are you telling two stories, or one?	I love the title, but hate the story.	Try re-writing this from a different point of view.	Show.  Don’t tell.
Is this important?	Get rid of the ellipses.	Break this down into shorter sentences.	This paragraph tells the reader nothing he/she doesn’t already know.	You seem to be engaged in what is known in cricketing circles as, ‘Taking a long run-up’.
The foot of this page is where the story really starts.	Get on with it.	I hate this character.  Well done.	Good use of detail.	Why isn’t this in a standard format?
Yes.	I love the story, but hate the title.	Death to all modifiers.	Now I am getting interested.	I wish I had written this.
Your limited-omniscience third person narrator has ideas above its station.	Have you considered writing for Mills & Boon (no irony)?	Now we are getting somewhere.	Publish.	I’d like to buy this character a drink.