Made-up tutor 4*
November 14, 2016
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Murray Breen was born in Prescott, Merseyside in 1991*. He won the poetry prize at his school, Saint Mary’s Of The Endless Tears Of Suffering. His winning piece was called, ‘I Want Some More Beans’. He adapted it into a novel, entitled, ‘I Really Really Want Some More Beans’. This was favourably reviewed in the Liverpool Echo, which described it as “Dickensian”. The paper became the subject of litigation by Breen, on the grounds that he did not have a beard, had never been on a lecturing tour of England, and was not horrible to his wife, all the more so, because he was not married.
Breen took a degree in creative writing at Leigh Creative Academy. In spite of going on to graduate with a 2:1, while still a student, he attempted to sue his personal tutor, two of his lecturers, the dean of the faculty, the Crown, and four of the authors of his textbooks. Most observers agree that these cases would never have merited a writ had they not been represented pro bono by his mother’s firm, Bent & Co.
Beside his lecturing career at Chorley University Metropolitan (CUM) Breen works evenings as what he chooses to call a “thermo-lipid immersion technician” at the Victoria Road Fisheries. He still maintains that this is to inform his writing. So far, the ratio of the number of portions he has served to pieces he has had published is approaching 5000:1.
It is rumoured that Breen is about to go on sabbatical at the University of Kentucky, after an incident in which a patron at the fish shop is alleged to have said to him, “I want some more beans. I really, really want some more beans.” The article which covered this incident in the Liverpool Echo began, “The fat was really in the fire, the night a Prescott fish fryer decided to batter one of his customers.” Litigation is still pending.
*None of this is true.