Contemporary short fiction, poetry and more

What makes women happy

One of Jane’s friends asked me this evening if I could go for a drink with her partner, for the purpose of informing him about what makes women happy.  This is one of the greatest compliments I have ever been paid, but it prompts the practical question, “What makes women happy?”


The following guide presumes a heterosexual relationship between a man, adopting a primarily masculine role, and a woman, adopting a primarily feminine role. 

  1. Women crave attention.  Broker this.  Attention is a precious commodity.  If (like me) you are the sort of man who can’t give attention to another person for an unlimited amount of time, then work out, in an articulate manner, when and how it will happen.  This links to our recurring theme, which is communications. 
  2. Stick to your agreements.  Don’t say one thing and do another. 
  3. Women crave physical contact.  Get her to lie down, in a comfortable position.  Take her clothes off.  Stroke her limbs.  Stroke her neck.  Stroke her shoulders.  Stroke her inner thighs.  Don’t stop there.
  4. Work out a monthly budget which means that you are not going to be thrown out into the street, no matter what happens.  
  5. Within the constraints of that monthly budget, save up for some extravagances.  Book some spa days.  Buy some champagne.  Don’t be afraid of buying things that to you seem completely frivolous and useless.  If your partner likes jewelry, find out what kind of jewelry (buying gold instead of silver, for example, could easily be fatal).  Buy her some of it, preferably for no apparent reason.
  6. The same with flowers.  Find out what kind of flowers your partner likes.  Buy them for no particular reason.  Do not buy them as an apology: associate flowers with sponteneity and good times, not saying sorry.  If you need to apologise for something, just apologise.  Better still, work on whatever it was that you needed to apologise for, and stop doing it. 
  7. Share your feelings.  That sounds like a cliché, but it is true.  If you are the sort of man who finds talking about emotional subjects difficult, then it is something that you need to work at, and, the sooner you start,  the sooner you will get some benefit from doing it.  One of the easiest ways to destroy a relationship without really trying is to leave the discussion of any important issue until the point where both of you are angry or depressed about it.  Talking about things is exactly like housework in the sense that, no matter how much some of us hate doing it, the more regularly you do it, the less time and effort it takes. 
  8. Don’t use a busy and stressful job as an excuse for lack of communication and never being there.  Even if you can’t be at home, stay in communication as much as possible.  In this age of smart phones, there is no excuse for not communicating, even if you are working hundreds of miles from home.  Earning a salary only does any good if you get time to spend it. 
  9. Having said that, don’t use a mobile phone as either a tracking device, or a means of having a row.  Text messages should be confined to “We need bread and toilet paper”, “I’m going to be 20 minutes late”, or something positive, constructive, and warm.  Flirtation and lasciviousness via text message is fine, but analysis, criticism and argument are not. 

One response to “What makes women happy

  1. Pam July 30, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Do other women feel insulted by this? How patronising! I think your partner & friends were taking the piss, mate. Or is this supposed to be tongue-in-cheek?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: