Contemporary short fiction, poetry and more

‘The Companion’: part 18 (content warning: rude words and sexual references)

‘Will the accused please stand?  Pamela Collins, you are hereby charged that on the night of 31 October 2137 you did wilfully break a camera belonging to Cerise Vallance, thereby committing criminal damage.  How do you plead?’

‘Not guilty, by reason of provocation.’

‘Pamela Collins, you are also hereby charged that on the night of 31 October 2137 you did wilfully assault Cerise Vallance.  How do you plead?’

‘Not guilty.’

‘Prudence Kathryn Zoë Tadlow, you are hereby charged that on the night of 31 October 2137 you did wilfully assault Samantha Dale and Cerise Vallance.  How do you plead?’

‘Not guilty.’

‘You may be seated.’

‘Your Lordship, I appear for both the accused.  I will argue that my clients only struck the alleged victims once they themselves had been viciously assaulted.  I will also argue in Miss Collins’s case that the breaking of the camera was a legitimate action in order to prevent Cerise Vallance from invading Kelvin Stark’s privacy.  The first witness I would like to call is Samantha Dale.’ 

Samantha Dale was conducted into the courtroom and sworn in.

‘Miss Dale, were you present in the Temperate Zone on the night of 31 October?’

‘Do you mean was I at the Hallowe’en party?  Yes I was.’

‘Do you remember what happened that night?’

‘Lots of things.  I tried to get off with this bloke, but he turned me down.’

‘What I meant was do you remember a disturbance that took place?’

‘Yes.  Me and some of the girls were there with Cerise Vallance.’

‘Would you say you were there with any particular object in mind?’

‘I think the object Cerise had in mind was Kelvin Stark’s lunchbox.’

‘Indeed.  Would I be correct in saying that Miss Vallance had offered you and your friends some kind of inducement to impress yourselves on Doctor Stark?’

‘What’s “an inducement”?’

‘In short: money.’

‘Do I have to answer that question?’

‘You do have to answer that question, and you have to tell the whole truth when you answer.  You have to say whether you were offered anything and whether you actually received it.’

‘Cerise said she would give me 30 shillings and said she’d pay for new outfits for us, and for our drinks.’

‘And what did you have to do in return for this payment?’

‘She said she would give me the money if I’d get my tits or my arse out in a picture with Kelvin in it.’

‘And have you received this payment?’

‘Some of it.  Cerise was really pissed off when her camera was broken, but she said she’d give me 10 shillings as a consolation.’

‘And so you admit that you went to the party looking for Doctor Stark, and with the express intention of putting him a compromising situation and eroding his dignity.’

‘It was just a bit of fun.’

‘Miss Dale, you would be amazed at how many times we hear that phrase uttered in criminal courts.  What was Doctor Stark’s reaction when you and your gang approached him?’

‘He tried to ignore us at first, and then he asked us to leave him alone.’

‘And did you do as he asked?’

‘No.  That was when Cerise started taking pictures and I started flashing.’

‘Would I be right in thinking that you had been drinking alcohol that night?’

‘Yes: we were blathered.’

‘Can you remember how much you had had to drink?’

‘I had eleven double vodka and limes.’

‘And would you say that is a normal amount for you to drink?’

‘On Earth, I used to drink lager and black or cider, but since we left I have gone over to vodka.’

‘Indeed.  Well they say it gives you less of a hangover, do they not?  Miss Dale, I understand that you have a nickname.’

‘Do I?’

‘Indeed.  The one I have in mind is derived from the letters of your surname.’

‘Oh, that.  Yes.  That’s right. I do.’

‘Can you tell the court what it is?’

‘Drunk And Legs Everywhere.’

‘You might also be interested to know that we have managed to salvage some of the data from Miss Vallance’s camera.’

‘Oh, great.  She will be pleased.’

‘Please show Exhibit A on the big screen.  Miss Dale, would you mind describing to the court what is happening on the screen?’

‘That’s me, and Cerise, and Charis and Alicia.  That’s Charis and Alicia having a pretend snog next to Kelvin.  That is me trying to kiss Kelvin.  That’s me kneeling down and pretending to give him a blow-job.  That’s me getting up again, just about.  That’s me getting my tits out.  Now I’m shaking them.  Now I’m holding my left tit in both hands and trying to rub my nipple on Kelvin’s chest.  Now I’m doing the same with the right one.  Kelvin has stopped dancing and has his eyes closed.  Now I’ve put my tits away, and I’m standing next to Kelvin with my back to the camera, and I’ve pulled the hem of my mini-dress up and you can see my arse.  Now I have taken Kelvin’s glasses off and I’m rubbing them on my fanny.’

‘You are doing what?’

‘It is something I saw in a film my ex-boyfriend showed me.’

‘Let me get this quite clear.  You have grabbed hold of Doctor Stark’s spectacles, and you are rubbing them on your naked vulva.’


‘Might I ask why?’

‘I thought it would be sexy for him to see when I put them back on his face that they were all blurred with cunt-juice.’

‘I see.  I notice, Miss Dale, that you did not have to remove any underwear.’

‘No, I went fully prepared.’

‘With no knickers on.’

‘Well it is easier to flash your arse if you go commando.’

‘I could not have put it better myself.  Thank you, Miss Dale.  No further questions.’

‘Miss Johnson, do you wish to examine this witness?’

‘Before I continue, I would just like to confirm to Miss Dale that she is not the one who has been charged with an offence.  Can you tell the court what happened immediately after the sequence of pictures came to an end?’

‘Some-one grabbed Cerise’s camera.’

‘Can you see the person who did this seated in the court?’

‘Yes.  It was her.’

‘You are pointing to Pamela Collins.’

‘I didn’t know her name, but it was definitely her.’

‘Were you surprised when the disturbance started?’

‘Yes, very surprised.  We were only having a bit of fun.’

‘Did any-one else come onto the dance floor.’

‘Yes, Prudence Tadlow came up and grabbed hold of me.  She tried to pull me away from Kelvin.’

‘Did she strike you or threaten you?’

‘I can’t really remember.  It was all very confusing.’

‘Did you suffer any injury?’

‘I had a terrible bruise on my knee the next day.  I went to the sick bay about it.  But I can’t be certain how I got it.  Prudence might have kicked me.  She was wearing her diesel-dyke outfit and heavy boots.’

‘No further questions, your Lordship.’

‘Your Lordship, may I cross-examine the witness?’

‘By all means, Mr Mallard.’

‘Thank you, your Lordship.  Miss Dale, were you wearing high-heeled shoes on the night in question.’

‘Yes, I was wearing my “stripper” shoes.’

‘Your “stripper” shoes?’

‘Yes, they are strappy and have a built-up sole and seven-inch heels.’

‘You were wearing high heels and you had had eleven double vodkas.  It is conceivable that you might have got this bruise because you fell over during the evening?’

‘Well they don’t call me Drunk And Legs Everywhere for nothing.’

‘Indeed not.  No further questions.’

None of the other witnesses added anything substantial to Samantha Dale’s testimony.  Mr Justice Fitzgerald considered his decision for thirty minutes before acquitting both defendants, on the condition that Pamela Collins compensate Cerise Vallance for the loss of her camera.  The court also ordered Cerise Vallance to take reasonable steps to seek Kelvin Stark’s permission before photographing him on the remainder of the journey. 


“Diesel-dyke” indeed.  Slapper!


If that slut-whore-bint touches Kelvin again, I’ll inject her with something nasty. 



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