Contemporary short fiction, poetry and more

A17B Audio CD: Part 3*

This part is also introduced by Cuthbert Dry-Monotone.

“Hello.  Welcome to Part 3 of this audio CD which goes with Open University course A17B Start Talking Bollocks.   Today I will be talking to Harry Struggler, a typical member of the class taking this course.  We are going to examine how Harry organises his studies.  Good evening, and welcome, Harry… Harry?”

[Sound of cats meowing and fighting.]

“BUGGER OFF, YOU HORRIBLE CREATURES!  Ahem.  Sorry.  Were you talking to me?”

[Irritated.] “Yes!  We’ve started recording.  We’re working to a deadline, you know.”

“Sorry.  I’m with you now.  What…”

[Sound of door opening and clumping footsteps.]


“What is it, Jonathan?  I’m busy.”

“Can I have a pound to go to the shop with?”

“What about that money your mum gave you last week for half-term?”

“I’ve spent it.”

“Well, I…”

[Angry.] “Look, I’ll give him a bloody pound.  Here you are!  Please leave us in peace.  We’re trying to make a recording.”

[Sound of footsteps and door closing.]


[Sound of footsteps returning and door opening.]

“This isn’t a pound: it’s a euro.”


“You’ve given me a euro, you cheating bastard.”

“Oh, god.  Here!  Here!  Look!  It’s got Queen Elizabeth the Second on it.  See?”

“Is it real?”

“What do you mean, ‘is it real?’”

“It looks fake to me.  Passing counterfeit money is a very serious offence, you know, punishable by…”

“Yes, I know.  Here.  Here’s a fiver, now fuck off.”


[Sound of a mild physical struggle and door closing.]

“Right.  I thought the first thing we would do would be to look at your study, and get a feel for your creative environment.”

“I don’t have a study.  Does this flat look as if it has room for a study?”

“Well, no.  I suppose not, now that you mention it.  Where do you work then?”

“With my notebook and my laptop on my knee.”

“In which room?”

“In here.”

[Sound of door opening.  Sound of loud TV set.]

“This is my partner, Sarah.”

“Are you two going to be making a noise?  I’m trying to watch ‘X Factor’.”

“Do you honestly work in here?”

“Yes.  Where else am I supposed to work?”

“Cut!” [Muttering.] “They’ll never broadcast this.  Even the bloody OU will never broadcast this… I shouldn’t be here: I’ve got an MA in Media Studies.”

“Would you like some Ovaltine?”

*You can decide for yourself if this is true.


3 responses to “A17B Audio CD: Part 3*

  1. Claire Jones October 30, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    I want to hear an audio run-through of this! Shall we?

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