October 20, 2011
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Earlier in the academic year, I got bored of waiting for the Open University to assign a tutor to me, and so I made one up. Exactly one of the following details turned out to be true when the tutor materialised.
Clytemnestra Hotchkiss was born in Bermuda in 1976. She read English Literature at Princeton, where she supplemented her income by means of part-time jobs as a cocktail-waitress and a lap-dancer. Her first novel, Cream Pi was published in 2001, immediately followed by its sequel, Pearl Harbor Necklace, which won the Golden Fedora prize for the best novel about a character who wears a hat. She has written two collections of poetry (Up Yours with a Wire Brush and Quick Quick Pass the Bucket), an anthology of short fiction (Twenty-six Reasons to Phone in Sick Today) and various pamphlets on the history of culinary implements, particularly nutmeg-graters. She is currently working on a volume of life-writing to be published next year under the title How I Learnt to Squirt. She lives in a converted waste-incinerator near Hebden Bridge, West Yorkshire. This is her first year with the Open University. When asked if she was looking forward to her new role as tutor, she replied, “I will flunk any son-of-a-bitch who turns out to be a nut-job.”